Real Talk On Relationships

This past weekend, I’ve had several really deep conversations with friends of mine at various stages in their marriage.  An insight that came out of one of those conversations was that young women (and young men for that matter) don’t really have the benefit anymore of being in situations where they are around elders who are wiser and seasoned on an everyday basis to soak up wisdom on a number of topics including marriage.  Back in the day, our mothers and grandmothers might be sitting together with aunts, great-aunts, cousins, etc. in the kitchen soaking up the wisdom offered up as the elders gossiped and talked about all kinds of things.

That (and my most recent post) inspired me to create a section of the blog focused on marriage so that those of us who are married have a forum to discuss, and those who would like to one day be married can learn from the varied perspectives of those who are married.

“All we have, Marvin, is all these years…and it’s just not enough.  Anymore…” – Nia Long in “love jones”

The first topic I’d like to touch on is being true to yourself both as you enter into marriage and as you continue to grow as a person within marriage.  People get married for many reasons, and not all of them have to do with love.  Sure, some people do marry because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together.  However, other people marry out of expectation; still others marry for monetary security; others marry out of vanity, and still others marry  because they just can’t stand to be alone.  Some marry because “it’s time”, and still others marry because “we ain’t gettin’ no younger – we might as well do this.”

No matter what your reason is for wanting to be married or for getting married, it’s important that YOU know what your reasons are and that you’re honest, both to yourself and to your hubby or wife to be about your reasons as well.  Forever ever (forever ever?) is a LONG time, and time will definitely bring to light the false motives of someone marrying for one reason but not being honest about it.

Let’s take, for example, the responses to the question, “Why did you/do you want to get married?” of “It’s time” or “We ain’t gettin’ no younger”.  While that made a really catchy hook to a song, it’s hardly a reason to marry that will stand the test of time or the test of marriage.  I know of a couple who’d invested A LOT of years in the relationship and they finally decided to get married, not because they thought it was the best thing for both of them as people or as a couple, but because they’d been together all those years.  So instead of being true to themselves and their own happiness and walking away from a relationship that was comfortable but not helping either of them grow, they instead got married and are now living a hell on earth.

I have personal experience with how liberating it can be to walk away (even though it’s scary as hell).  Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship.  About a month before our 7 year anniversary, I had a moment of clarity and realized that while I could be happy with the guy I was with if we were to get married, I could possibly be insanely happy (like, “and next week…MOLARS!!” kind of happy) if I was willing to walk away from the comfort of the routine of this relationship and instead be a part of a relationship that allowed me to be my truest, and thereby, happiest self.  Now, my boyfriend and I were the poster-children of long-term relationships for our friends, and there were A LOT of expectations about where the relationship was supposed to go.  I sent a whole lot of folk reeling when I walked away from that relationship, but I knew it then, and I definitely know it now: I made the best decision for me because I was true to myself and to him about how I felt and what I needed in a relationship. And the best part of all is that I found it!

So, the takeaway? Always be honest with yourself about what your motives are in a relationship, and don’t be afraid to do what’s best for you.  If that means that you don’t get married even though the invitations have gone out, to thine own self be true.  If that means walking away from a relationship that is not building you up but is instead tearing you down, to thine own self be true.  Whatever the situation, be true to yourself and honest to those that you love – that’s the only way to not only be truly happy, but also to experience life and love the way they are supposed to be experienced and lived: abundantly!

Real talk.

Filed under: Exploring Marriage on July 22nd, 2010 | No Comments »

I recently had this beautiful yet sad story sent to me and thought I should pass it on to the RTOR fam.  I’m thinking about doing a series explicitly on marriage, not only because many people want their relationships to transition into marriage, but also because marriage is, as my girlfriend NickDiggit likes to say, “more than a notion”.  Recently, a lot of people I know are going through marital problems and as I’ve been giving advice and sharing wisdom passed on to me, I’ve heard myself saying a lot of the same things to each of these couples, and I thought the RTOR community might benefit from said wisdom as well.

At any rate, the first pearl I’ll drop is this:  When the grass looks greener on the other side, it likely means you need to start watering and fertilizing your own grass.  The watering and fertilizing is the work of marriage – that’s a whole other post that I’ll definitely get to.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

As always, real talk.

Filed under: Exploring Marriage on July 15th, 2010 | No Comments »

What up fam! It’s been a minute since I updated you all on my dating life (or lack thereof) so I decided to take a moment a fill you in on the latest. I have titled this blog “Disappearing Acts.” Maybe you’ve been through this, maybe you haven’t,  but it has always puzzled me.

The disappearing act is when you’ve been talking to a guy or girl – and you think you are hitting it off pretty well. Conversation is good. You may have met up one or two times for what you think were pleasant dates. You may even have done the “chicken-wing” and thought everything was all good. Then all of the sudden –they disappear. Like a fart in the wind – POOF and they’re gone. No explanation, no rhyme or reason – JUST GONE!

What is the deal with this?

But hold up. Let me pause and give some full disclosure before I go on. I too have done the disappearing act – but only because I thought the dude was a crazy and a bit stalkerish. I figured it was best not to answer his calls. I did save his voice mail messages for a while just in case I had the misfortune of running into him during one of his unstable moments – hey I watch Law & Order – I know what to do.

The type of disappearing acts I’m talking about don’t have to do with the aforementioned crazy, but really boils down to some high school bs. I guess my biggest question is why can’t we be grown-ups about the whole thing. Hey if you’re not feelin’ me, just say so. I’m a big girl, I can take it.

The catch with these disappearing acts is that usually the disappearer – let’s just call him/her “Houdini” seems to always reappear at the most random times.

Case in point – they guy I went out on the date with from my online dating days disappeared. No call, no explanation, no NOTHIN’. So after a minute of scratching my head, I’m like Jay-Z –“On to the next one.” I deleted the brotha’s number from my phone and simply kept it pushin’.  This was sometime around July/August.

Round about November I get this random text message from a number I don’t know.

HIM: “Happy Holidays”

ME: “Ahhh, same to you. Who is this?”

HIM: “It’s me!”

ME: “Me who?”

HIM: “Houdini”

NickDiggit Thought Bubble: “What the HELL, I ain’t heard from this negro in a month of Sundays!”

ME: “Oh, ok?”

HIM: “What you doin’?”

ME: “Chillin with my family.”

NickDiggit Thought Bubble: “Why do you care?”

HIM: “Oh, I thought we could get together this weekend.”

NickDiggit Thought Bubble: “Are you kidding?”

ME: “I don’t think so, I’m not even in town”

HIM: “Oh, ok. Well holla at me”

ME: *crickets*

NickDiggit Thought Bubble: *crickets*

(End Scene)

This of course was not the first and probably won’t be the last time this will happen to me. I’m currently in the same situation. I’ve been talking to this guy for a while and was pretty excited because I thought I was going to see him this weekend/week since he’s supposed to be coming in town (He lives cross country so hooking up is quite a feat). But about two weeks ago this negro disappeared into the great beyond.

The crazy thing is there is a good chance that we may bump into each other this week. Then what happens? Awkward silence? Fake cordials? Who knows! Either way I’m so over these types of shenanigans!

Let’s be adults and stop with the childish games. If you find yourself falling out of love/like then just say so. Why leave me with the big “?” wondering what the hell happened. As J says, “Everybody just stop lyin’!

In the immortal words of the GAP Band, “You can’t keep runnin’ in and out of my life.” So as my boy Charlie Wilson says, “KEEP RUNNIN’!”

That’s my take. Holla at me!!

Filed under: NickDiggit's Online Dating Chronicles on June 4th, 2010 | No Comments »