Real Talk On Relationships

Ask any couple that’s been married for a number of years what the secret to marriage is, and the first thing that will come out of their mouths will be: communication.  This word is almost as loaded and meaningless as the words ‘interesting’ or ‘innovation’ or ‘green’.  Everybody’s got a definition of what they think communication is: so why not throw mine into the ring?!  LoL!

Before I give you my definition of what communication involves, let me tell you what communication ain’t:  it ain’t talking on the phone about “everything” for hours at a time; it ain’t answering the question, “Why do you love me?” as you gaze longingly into each other’s eyes; it ain’t good just because you’ve never had an argument (in fact, that might be a telltale sign that it’s in disrepair); it ain’t always easy; it ain’t active listening; it ain’t yelling and screaming; it ain’t something you automatically know how to do just because you’re human, or a woman, or a good communicator on your job.

In fact, in my experience, the kind of communicating you do when you’re dating in no way compares to the kind of communicating you have to do in order to make a marriage work.  I would even venture to say that dating couples, even those that co-habitate, hardly ever (if ever) engage in marriage-style communication.

Communication is not just listening (though, it typically involves listening more than talking).  Instead, it’s a respectful, empathetic exchange of ideas and perspectives with the goal of working through marital issues for the benefit of the union.  Communication involves talking to your spouse in a respectful, calm, loving way even when you want to cuss/fuss/throw them out.  That’s not to say voices won’t raise and tempers won’t flare, but typically, true communication comes after all of that has happened.

True communication can be ushered in through prayer even in the midst of an argument – one of the best tools that my husband and I gained when we were in pre-marital counseling was the use of prayer in an argument.  Our facilitator told us that, even if we were in the midst of fighting, someone should say, “Let’s pray.”  We don’t always remember to do it right away, but when we do, it changes the entire tone and tenor of the conversation, and we begin to truly communicate with empathy and understanding.

In short, communication is the evidence of being committed to marriage, which is what you need to be in order to have a lasting, happy marriage.

As always, Real talk.

Filed under: Real Talk on March 10th, 2011 | No Comments »

Happy New Year, RTORs!  Well, 2010 was truly a time of great transition in my life – I had my 2nd child, moved across the country, started a new job…that’s a lot to happen in a year, but I know that I’m doing what I’ve been called to do, and I’m looking with anticipation toward 2011.  I’m also excited that I’ve been able to keep RTOR going into its 2nd year (2/14/11).  I’m looking forward to continuing to learn from life and you and to grow as a woman, wife, and mother.

A couple of months ago, I attended a bridal shower for a dear friend of mine.  At one point during the celebration, all of the married women in the room gave the bride-to-be advice for having a successful marriage.  The usual suspects were mentioned: communication, honesty, trust…and while those are extremely important (so important, in fact, that I’ll be dedicating posts to each of these topics), one woman who was present said something so profound and real that even months after hearing, it’s still blessing me as I move through this journey called marriage.

What she said was this, “You have to be committed to marriage.”  Now, let that truly marinate for a minute before you read on because it would be easy to dismiss this statement.  For she didn’t say to be committed to your husband or wife – she said that in order for your marriage to work, you had to be committed to marriage.  You have to be committed to the institution itself and the fact that God ordained it.

People will disappoint you, but the institution of marriage is still good and honorable.  People will lie.  People will hurt you with their words and actions.  People will not meet your needs.  People will not do what you’d like them to do or say things the way you’d like them to say them.  However, the institution of marriage is still good because it is God’s way.  Marriage doesn’t lie or hurt or not meet your needs or not do what you’d like it to do or say what you’d like for it to say – people do those things.  As such, as a husband or wife, you have to remember that.

This commitment to marriage is what will help you do the work of marriage.  It will help you to communicate with your spouse when you don’t feel like it.  It will help you to forgive your mate when he/she hurts you with their words or actions.  It will allow you to give of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically when you don’t feel like it.  It will help you to accept your spouse for who he/she is.

So, whose team are you on?  In order to really have a successful marriage (i.e., one that works for you and lasts), you have to be on Team Marriage!

As always, Real talk.

Filed under: Exploring Marriage on January 2nd, 2011 | No Comments »

Hey, RTOR fam!  When a couple of people sent me this youtube video which has been making its way around the Internet, I knew I had to blog about “The List”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgyg8vEHraE

In one of my favorite movies, Something New, 4 beautiful black women sit around a table, without male companionship on Valentine’s Day, and engage in a conversation about “The List”: the physical, spiritual, and emotional qualities and behaviors of their ideal mate.  By the end of the move, Sanaa Lathan’s character gets with someone who physically, is the complete opposite of her list, but that makes her happy.  As everyone parties at the wedding reception, the moral of the movie is crystal clear: sometimes what you think you want, isn’t always what you need.

I’ve seen several of my good friends run down a list that would make your eyes glaze over as they recount all of these requirements that are “dealbreakers” that their future husband must possess, and I almost shake my head because I know for a fact that this list of unrealistic traits and the ridiculous requirement that a man fill all of those is the reason why these women find themselves single (and not by choice – if you’re single by choice, I’m not talking to you – LoL).

My father always broke it down to me that what’s important is a man’s character.  He used to tell me, “You’re going to be a very educated woman, and while you might find a man with the same level of education as you, if you meet a trash collector who loves you, is good to you, does all he can to make sure the family is taken care of,” (which by the way means more than bills being paid) “and will be faithful and honest to you, don’t count him out because he doesn’t make as much money as you or doesn’t have the same level of education as you do.”  That was some of the best advice ever because it focused me on the inside.  Of course, I had outside qualities that I liked, but I passed over men who met my outside qualities because they didn’t meet my inside qualities, and I gave men a chance who didn’t meet my outside qualities because they were beautiful, caring, men.  In the end, I ended up with someone who has a nice mix of both what I want and need physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

Surely, the 80/20 rule is in full effect: you only get at most 80% of what you want or need from your spouse, anyway.  And that makes sense, cause Lord knows none of us are bringing 100% of what someone else wants to the table.

So, the takeaway is: focus on what really counts: character.  With that kind of focus, you can never go wrong, and you’ll be more likely to get what you need, which in the end is really what you want!

As always, real talk!

Filed under: Uncategorized on October 20th, 2010 | No Comments »